bemyheroine
I'm dancing in the room as I would in the woods with you | ||||||||
I'm waking up, and I see the world again.
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Wednesday, September 17, 2008, 7:13 PM
For You
these millions of thoughts, they keep fleeting into my head. so many words, so many meanings... I dont know where to start. I should explain myself. I guess you deserve that. I didnt think you did. but now I do. I spent... my whole time with you. being neglected, being hurt, being angry, being miserable. I dont have any blame on you now. but please. just try to understand. I thought you were using me I thought you were just playing with me. I thought you didnt care. I was so hurt. I cried myself to sleep. and when I woke up, the first thing I thought about was you. I was miserable. I couldnt concentrate on what I was doing. I kept messing up It was like a rollercoaster that just kept going down and down and down for everytime you made me the slightest bit happier. you end up crushing me even deeper. i was just so hurt. and i felt like i was suffocating. because i didnt want to give up on us. because im so afraid, so scared, so vulnerable to the fact that maybe I wont ever be able to fall for the right guy. i didnt want us to end. no matter how much you hurt me. I still had feelings for you and even though you carved the knife an inch deeper into me. i still had feelings for you. i was so bitter. i was so miserable. my friends... they kept telling me that if you were hurting me this bad... what was the point of our relationship? they didnt understand. i dont think they did because i just cant stand it. i cant stand this not working out. because everywhere i go i meet failures. and then, i start second-guessing myself. what was wrong with me? WAS there something wrong with me? I just... I just couldnt deal after a while. and that leads us to where we are now. so I spent... 3 weeks hating you. or at least, trying to hate you. you wont believe the things i wrote on my diary i read them now. and im just like... i never knew i could be that angry the rage was amazing. and then, after 3 weeks. im tired. im just so sick and tired of crying and crying and crying. im so exhausted. i cant concentrate on my work, i cant concentrate on what im doing. i cant concentrate on anything. because you're always on my mind. and this burns straight the the core. because all these while. you didnt care. NOT at all. and then. this happens. and then. suddenly you do. you have to forgive me for being bone deep weary about this. about you. because suddenly, at this moment of time, you're telling me that you DID care that you DID think about me that you DID... and now im just confused. i dont know what to think. or how to think anymore. my brains just messed up and my hearts not helping. my friends are telling me this. you're telling me that. my brains says i should do this. my heart says a different thing. im so confused. and im just so tired of this all. im exhausted. i cant even formate what emotions im having. its like... im numb through and through. because, crying everyday does that to you. crying and caring and breaking. it does that to you. im sorry i sounded so cold. i really do not mean to. its just that, i cant help it. i just... my emotions are so wrung dry that im just numb. i cant even... feel like im laughing. or crying. or smiling. everything, just feels so fake. just oh so fake... Im sorry. but right now, i just cant deal. i cant think, i cant make decisions, i cant help you. im trying to say the right things, and even then i get jumbled up and end up.. making a larger mess. i cant cope to that fact that this heartbreak isnt my own. i may sound happy i may smile i may laugh but... deep down. do you really think im happy? or im smiling? or that im laughing? do you really think after all this. im capable of doing so? im just so sorry and i guess thats the most i can say we'll see... how does this go on. but im just sorry if when you talk to me. i sound so carefree. because im not. its just. im so numb. look, if you ever read this post. i dont know i read through it myself and i sound so dead. dead. thats the right word i guess i just feel so dead like the life had been sucked out of me i dont know what to do anymore or what is right or what is wrong i dont even know what i want or what i need but all i know is that i cant do it again. not now, not this soon, not yet at least. im sorry. but somehow i dont really know what im apologizing for. love, Fung. ps. i dont blame you. i dont hate you. i dont have any hard feelings whatsoever towards you. dont worry. things'll turn out alrigth in the end. |
whenthelightsgoout
Said I hate you. But I lied.who thought she could own the world who knew love could taste... just so damn sweet too bad it kills you in the end. |
mymanyaddictions
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screamyourheartout
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