bemyheroine
I'm dancing in the room as I would in the woods with you | ||||||||
I'm waking up, and I see the world again.
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Saturday, September 27, 2008, 7:29 PM
Sin
its such a stupid thing to deal with there's not point being jealous or envious about anything. but then why. does it keep coming back and biting me on the ass? i swore to be someone that doesnt care someone that is strong someone that wouldnt give a damn but. its hard to not care when you hear the whispers to not care when you feel this pain to not care when your thoughts are filled with what they said. really, it just pisses me off it really really does. oopsies, gtg. dinner peace out. <3Fy Friday, September 26, 2008, 10:34 PM
Quotes
B: Do you want to hear a long joke or a short joke? F: um... B: Short joke. joke! B: Long joke. Jooooooookeee =D =D F: Um... okay. B: I've got another one. Do you want to hear a lame joke? F: Nope. B: I'll tell you anyway. LAME JOKE! F: Okay... B: Another one. Why did the skeleton cross the road? F: To get to the other side...? B: NOPE. to go to the body shop! =D =D F: omgosh Bi. B: Why did the snail cross the road? F: It's in love with the skeleton? B: NOPE. to get to the SHELL STATION! F: ... I'm beginning to think you're retarded. HAHA it was pretty funny tho. During English: Andrew: How do you make Natasha laugh on a Monday? F: Erm... B: Uh... Ari: tell her a joke? Andrew: Yup. But tell it to her on Friday. F&B&Ari: OMG. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. Not bad andrew. Not bad at all. Natasha: HUH? I dont get it... =D Sorry tasha. =P So much more random moments. Especially in English. hahaha. Such great times. Ari being a corpse, me being melodramatic, bianca, well... just being bianca. haha I LOVE YOU GUYS. =D you make my world. <3Fy ps. yes yes i have no idea why im a little hyper tonight. haha I MISS YOU ALL ALREADY. uhuh. i do. =] Wednesday, September 24, 2008, 8:39 PM
Sadism
where everything sucked everyone was annoying and all you want to do is shut the world out and sleep ... i think my lack of sleep is beginning to get to me... I hate school work with such passion now. its like i've used up all my 'hardworkingness' in the first two weeks, completing everything. and now i just honestly cant be bothered at all. so tonight. even though i have a history poster, 2 art homework and english lit to due tomorrow. im just gonna go to sleep. i really really really need a break. its almost never ending. sure, ill give a crap tomorrow. but procrastinating is not a choice. its a must. happy birthday redzuan. past present and future. people tell me its the 21st. jarrah said its the 24th and you told me its the 28th as if im not confused enough. =P so happy birthday three times over. =D you too awesome of an ICT buddy. haha happy birthday to Ee and Fariza too. awesome party Ee. i had so much fun. =P I honestly dont know what on earth is wrong with me these days im just so cranky and so impossible. i see that myself. im surprised none of my friends has slapped me yet. I dont know. things are just being difficult. and im not making it any better. neither is she. ohmygosh does she pisses me off sometimes. walking around as though she rules the world, it pisses me off so badly and i cant do anything about it. because its none of my business and i really shouldnt care. but god do i just feel like strangling her at times I dont know whether it comes down to jealousy or just plain irritation. i really, really cant tell. [people who know me. I dont think this is who you think im talking about. dont worry] i think... life is really sadistic. god is sadistic. but i dont believe there is a god so... faith maybe? faith is sadistic then. its like they enjoy us being in these random dramatic states. i blame pms. but i highly doubt that we all get so worked up over that. i dont know. maybe its just me maybe its just that im so sick of puting up with her shit. again. sigh. or my own shit really. i hate this! i hate being so cranky dammit. and now i sound like some spoilt ranter. im just gonna stop. before i say something stupid. <3 Fy Monday, September 22, 2008, 11:52 PM
Lost.
I cant make sense of them at all Anger, hatred, misery. Their all jumbled into one big ball of confusion. It has been one depressing week. Everything is just so slow, so strange and it all just feels so wrong. I dont know where I stand I dont know where I am. I probably sound hypocritical, i know. but I cant help it. there are times like these where i just want someone to hold me. this longing. its immense. im even beginning to miss people i shouldnt miss. beginning to think about things i shouldnt be thinking about. im so over sensitive. everything peeve me off. either that, or really hurt me. i cant get pass that fact and this horried feeling swelling from within me. my life feels like its being sliced into a million pieces, and i can only be in one. its just... so strange. i cant describe it. i myself dont even know what i mean. but its soo dry im so sick of the tears and crying and screaming and shouting. and this useless painful feeling that fills up so much from inside. im so sick of forcing myself to work when all i want to do it pass out and give up. i just want to give up. i just want to.... go away. i cant. i dont know <3thegirlthatseversolost. Sunday, September 21, 2008, 10:04 PM
English Essay : 'It'
a child has been wrongly punished for something he/she did not do. I'm going slightly off context with this... I hope its alright. It's a pretty long essay. And sickening to write. =[ no plagiarism please. =P I guess... enjoy? although I rather you not... cuz that'll be rather sadistic. oh and i realize that the words arent clear. sorry bout that. The coarse screams echoed through the empty house, startling the very inner-core of her soul. They were at it again. Shouts and curses passed through the forlorn walls of the antique house, their words travelling through the hollow wood and into her ears. She wanted them to stop. Her mother’s shrill voice cut across the air, piercing her ears with words that she should not ever have heard, whilst her father’s booming one sent shivers of fear down her spine. She was afraid. There were crashes of breaking glass and great bangs of furniture being overturned. Even though she could not see them, the scene was so well rehearsed that it played clearly in her head. Word for word, she mouthed them out, as she covered her ears. It was the same routine, the same fights, the same reasons, the same hatred and to her, the same fear. Almost right on time, there was a slam of the front door, and the house went eerily still. The silence was deafening. The girl strained her ears, trying to listen pass the deceiving silence and to see who was left in the house, because if it were her father, then it was safe. But if it were her mother, then she would rather go through hell and back 10 times before facing her again. She sat there, huddled in her little corner for what felt like hours, every fibre of her being cried out in pain for being so still for so long. But she couldn’t move, she was frozen with anticipation while she prayed with whatever she had that it was her mother that left the house. As long as it was her mother, everything would be alright… But she had no such luck. Footsteps could be heard trudging up the staircase, the ancient steps moaned and groaned under the dead weight. From the sounds of the creaking wood she could tell how much the person walking up had weight, and by god it was definitely not the weight of a man. The fear slammed through her like a truck, her body trembled with such ferocity that it look like she was having a fit. She bit her lip, hard, to contain the whimpers and cries, for she knew, that even crying would not help her now. The footsteps stopped right outside her room, and from the slurry voice that called out to her, she knew that this was one of her mother’s worst days, for she surely have drunk a lot more than usual to get to that state. The girl drew herself to an even tighter ball and closed her eyes. Giving herself false hope that maybe she could just disappear into the darkness of the corner. But there was nothing she could do, there was no way she could avoid it. It was a routine, it was expected, and it was hell. Her mother burst through the door, armed with a bottle of wine and every single curse word available on her lips. The girl winced and bit down a whimper as her mother screamed out words that should only be uttered by the devil himself. But still, the worst had yet to come. Sometimes, when her mother was being kind, she would use only her fists and occasionally her slippers, on her worse days she sometimes would bring out the belt. Today, however, her father must have said something else, something different, because this time, something was terribly wrong. Her eyes, she could see it in her eyes. Beyond the pitch-black pit of fiery torment, there was something different. A different spark, and this spark ignited an even deeper fear within her. Her gaze travelled to wine bottle that her mother had gripped tightly within her hand. Her eyes widened as she let out a gasp. The wine bottle, it was broken. She knew, she understood what this meant. Already, before her mother could lay a hand on her, she started sobbing uncontrollably, there was no escape and she could not run away. Her mother was furious, cussing and cursing. She hated being ignored and she hated the sounds of crying even more. She screamed at her daughter to keep quiet and to listen but she just cried even harder. And so she did it. She brought the bottle down, again and again and again, till her arms were tired and were straining to even hold the bottle up. She tossed it to the side of the room, still swearing, she stumbled out of the door, leaving the broken and battered body on the floor. Pain oozed out of every pore and she was choking in her own pool of blood. The colour of red covered nearly all of the four walls of her room, she could not tell whether it was her blood or the wine. Every breathe she took felt like she was breathing in broken glass. Slowly, the welcoming darkness took over her and her world turned black. When she regained consciousness she couldn’t move. Every sliver of her screamed in protest as she tried to, she then managed to slowly open her eyes. It took her a few seconds to realise where she was. She was lying on her bed with white bandages covering nearly her entire body, places that had not needed to be covered showed her black and blue skin. She looked around and saw that the four walls the previously had been covered in red had been scrubbed clean and even the floor had no evidence of the beatings she took only a while ago. However, the stench of the bleach could not cover up the metallic bitter smell of the blood. That, her mother had not successfully erased. She moved her eyes towards her lower body where her mother was on her knees, gently wrapping her leg with the bandage. She tried to say something. She wanted her mother to know that she forgave her and that she did not hate her at all. She wanted to tell her mother that she still loved her and that there was no harm done. But she was too weak to talk, too exhausted, she could not even utter a sound. She fought the oncoming darkness, trying to get the words out, but gradually, she just allowed it to overcome her. Floating between the land of the living and the dead, she knew she could not blame her mother for the things that had been done. It was her own fault after all, her fault for being born. For years and years and years her parents had been screaming at her, shouting at her, beating her, always, always blaming her for the troubles they had. She was the reason for their misery, so she allowed them to do as they saw fit. She was after all, the guilty one. So incompetent she was not worth mentioning, not worth calling, not worth life. Thus to them, she was just an ‘It’. , 5:36 PM
Tagged by Roo
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. 2. Each player answers the questions about themselves. 3. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment, letting them know they got tagged and to ask them to play and read your blog. Time: 05:37 pm Name: Fung Sisters: - Brothers: Siang and Wei Shoe size: 6 1/2 =] Height: 5"7 Where do you live: malaysia Favourite drinks: watermelon juice =D Favourite breakfast: umm... depending on my mood Have you ever ; been on a plane: yup Swam in the ocean: yup Fallen asleep in school: yup Broken someone's heart: i think so... Fell off your chair: haha yeap Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: hell yes Saved e-mails: nope, well, not really save em. but i keep them. Chicken pox: not yet Sore throat: uhuh Stitches: once, eight. Broken nose: nope What is your room like: very old fashioned. =] What's right beside you: paper and my school books What is the last thing you ate: japanese-western. haha some omu-rice thing. Do you ; believe in love at first sight: not love. but deep attraction, yeah. Last made you smile: Leonard You last yelled at: Victoria/Sarah/Jason (but that was because I was screaming bye) Today did you: Talk to someone you like: lol. agree with roo. i talked to everyone i liked Kissed anyone: nope Get sick: sore throat Talked to an ex: yeah. Miss someone: yeap Best feeling in the world: to truly enjoy yourself. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: yeap What's under your bed: luggage bag, shoes, plastic bags, riding stuff, etcetc and godknowswhat. What time is it now: 05:42pm Random Qs: Q: Is there a person who is on your mind right now: yup Q: Do you have any siblings: yeap Q: Do you want children: 2 =] Q: Do you smile often: haha yup. Q: Do you like your hand-writing: hate it. looks like shit. Q: Are your toenails painted: yup Q: Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in: hahaha. ;P Q: What colour shirt are you wearing: white with random red chinese words on them. Q: What were you doing at 7.00pm yesterday: getting ready to go to ee's Q: I can't wait till: thursday Q: When did you cry last: =] Q: Are you a friendly person: haha i think soo. Q: Do you have any pets: yup. 4 dogs. Q: Where is the person you have feelings for right now? haha i would like to know. Q: Did the last person you held hands with mean anything to you now? of course. Q: Do you sleep with the TV on?: dont have a tv in my room. but no. Q: What are you doing right now? answering this thing. Q: Have you ever crawled through a window? haha nope. Q: Can you handle the truth? i should think so. even though it hurts. Q: Are you closer to your mother or father? both! Q: Who was the last person you cried in front of? uhh... i thnk it was my brother. Q: How many people can you say you've really loved? 4. =] Q: Do you eat healthy? nope. LOL Q: Have you ever cried because of something someone said to you? yeah... Q: How often do you go to church? im an atheist. Q: If you're having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to? bryan. Q: Are you loud or quiet most of the time? depends on my mood. but i think loud. Q: Are you confident? i want to be... it depends really. Q: 5 things I was doing 10 years ago: uhh... crying, laughing, singing, dancing, prancing around. =] Q: 5 snacks I enjoy: vanilla ice cream. oreos. fruits =P. chocolate and crackers Q: 5 things I would do if I were a billionaire: have my house by the beach. buy my parents whatever they want. travel around the world. learn to fly a plane and get a personal shopper. =P Q: 5 of my bad habits: erm, talk too much, fall too easily, hurt too easily, klutz, forgetful. Q: 5 places I have lived in: only ever lived in Malaysia. =] Q: 5 jobs I've had: um.. clerk? accountant-ish person... thats about it. Tag 5 people : 1. CS 2. Melissa 3. Andrew 4. Zheng 5. Calvin Wednesday, September 17, 2008, 7:13 PM
For You
these millions of thoughts, they keep fleeting into my head. so many words, so many meanings... I dont know where to start. I should explain myself. I guess you deserve that. I didnt think you did. but now I do. I spent... my whole time with you. being neglected, being hurt, being angry, being miserable. I dont have any blame on you now. but please. just try to understand. I thought you were using me I thought you were just playing with me. I thought you didnt care. I was so hurt. I cried myself to sleep. and when I woke up, the first thing I thought about was you. I was miserable. I couldnt concentrate on what I was doing. I kept messing up It was like a rollercoaster that just kept going down and down and down for everytime you made me the slightest bit happier. you end up crushing me even deeper. i was just so hurt. and i felt like i was suffocating. because i didnt want to give up on us. because im so afraid, so scared, so vulnerable to the fact that maybe I wont ever be able to fall for the right guy. i didnt want us to end. no matter how much you hurt me. I still had feelings for you and even though you carved the knife an inch deeper into me. i still had feelings for you. i was so bitter. i was so miserable. my friends... they kept telling me that if you were hurting me this bad... what was the point of our relationship? they didnt understand. i dont think they did because i just cant stand it. i cant stand this not working out. because everywhere i go i meet failures. and then, i start second-guessing myself. what was wrong with me? WAS there something wrong with me? I just... I just couldnt deal after a while. and that leads us to where we are now. so I spent... 3 weeks hating you. or at least, trying to hate you. you wont believe the things i wrote on my diary i read them now. and im just like... i never knew i could be that angry the rage was amazing. and then, after 3 weeks. im tired. im just so sick and tired of crying and crying and crying. im so exhausted. i cant concentrate on my work, i cant concentrate on what im doing. i cant concentrate on anything. because you're always on my mind. and this burns straight the the core. because all these while. you didnt care. NOT at all. and then. this happens. and then. suddenly you do. you have to forgive me for being bone deep weary about this. about you. because suddenly, at this moment of time, you're telling me that you DID care that you DID think about me that you DID... and now im just confused. i dont know what to think. or how to think anymore. my brains just messed up and my hearts not helping. my friends are telling me this. you're telling me that. my brains says i should do this. my heart says a different thing. im so confused. and im just so tired of this all. im exhausted. i cant even formate what emotions im having. its like... im numb through and through. because, crying everyday does that to you. crying and caring and breaking. it does that to you. im sorry i sounded so cold. i really do not mean to. its just that, i cant help it. i just... my emotions are so wrung dry that im just numb. i cant even... feel like im laughing. or crying. or smiling. everything, just feels so fake. just oh so fake... Im sorry. but right now, i just cant deal. i cant think, i cant make decisions, i cant help you. im trying to say the right things, and even then i get jumbled up and end up.. making a larger mess. i cant cope to that fact that this heartbreak isnt my own. i may sound happy i may smile i may laugh but... deep down. do you really think im happy? or im smiling? or that im laughing? do you really think after all this. im capable of doing so? im just so sorry and i guess thats the most i can say we'll see... how does this go on. but im just sorry if when you talk to me. i sound so carefree. because im not. its just. im so numb. look, if you ever read this post. i dont know i read through it myself and i sound so dead. dead. thats the right word i guess i just feel so dead like the life had been sucked out of me i dont know what to do anymore or what is right or what is wrong i dont even know what i want or what i need but all i know is that i cant do it again. not now, not this soon, not yet at least. im sorry. but somehow i dont really know what im apologizing for. love, Fung. ps. i dont blame you. i dont hate you. i dont have any hard feelings whatsoever towards you. dont worry. things'll turn out alrigth in the end. Saturday, September 13, 2008, 8:38 PM
tagged
Nataliee 2. Your relationship with him/her ? She is a very close friend. =D 3. Your 5 impression towards him/her ? cute. adorable. small =P. talkative. bubbly 4. The most memorable thing that he/she has ever done for you ? haha. for just being there. and for being feriggin awesome. NOT to mention always kills awkward silences. 5. The most memorable words that he/she has said to you ? FUNG!!! 6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will... um... kinda creepy. haha. but i love her. 7. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will... umm. cant imagine 8. If he/she becomes your lover, he/she has to improve on... still wrong to think about. 9. If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason is... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 10. The most desirable things to do for him/her is... URGH. sorry nat. its just wrong. 11. Overall impression towards him/her is... awesome. 12. How do you think the people around you will feel about you ? umm. either love me or hate me. haha 13. The character for you for yourself is ? haha. my difference. 14. On contrary, the character you hate of yourself is ? my trouble to keep my mouth shut. 15. The most ideal person you want to be is ? ummm. lol. we'll see. =] 16. For the person who cares and likes you, say something about them. haha. thank you. =] 17. Ten people to tag. 1)Bianca 2)Zheng 3)Drew 4)Cal 5)Rico 6)Jarrah 7)Airu 8)Shammie 9)Redzuan 10)CS 18. Who is number 2 having a relationship with ? I dont think shes going out with anyone. 19. Is 3 a male or a female ? Male. i think. =D KIDDING. definitely male. a very manly male. haha 20. If number 7 and 10 got together, would that be a good thing ? that would be ONE awkward couple. but i guess. will do society some good at least. haha 21. How about 5 and 8 ? ANOTHER MORE awkward couple. HAHA. and i think Shammie's taken if im not mistaken. -D 22. What is number 1 studying about ? EXPRESS math. FASTTRACK malay (yes, very smart girl). DT graphics. History. Economics. and umm... Accountings i think? I'm not too sure... 23. When was the last time you had a chat with them ? wait who? this morning i guess 24. Is number 4 single ? I think so 25. Say something about number 2. she's awesome. and damn pretty. hahahaha =D <3Fy a bored girl with nothing to do. and a computer. =D Tuesday, September 9, 2008, 9:46 PM
Waiting
the silent whistle of the wind the falling shadows underneath the moon sitting just below the stars I am waiting for you. I see something just beyond the light Just across the other side Where the moonlight glazed over the green grass Where the frozen lake was as still as glass. Thread lightly, for each blade of grass hold a piece of my heart. Our hopes, our dreams The night sky can hold only ever so much. I am filled with the sweetest affections Moving with utter devotion So here I am, under the starry sky. I am waiting for you. <3 one very crappy poet. haha. i dont even know what im writing nor where I am going with this. whichever. love y'all <3fy , 5:49 PM
BUT. at least I've come upon a decision on what to do with one. now i just have to know what to do with the other. we'll wait and see. =D =D Malay class has officially KILLED me. I dont know what the crap I was doing. AND. we have to write an essay, do a pyp AND the roleplaying thing. I am officially going to die. not to mention i still have art. chem. bio. math to do sigh. I just want this week to be over! or friday to come. either is fine. AND i still gotta go get a dress. sigh. I wish i had a sister. so i could just steal off her. now I actually have to go shopping. =[ but when? ohh craps. gtg do my work. again. i wanna slaughter something. LOVE fung. Monday, September 8, 2008, 9:30 PM
Confused
Just when I thought I was right, I am wronged. Just when I thought that maybe, I was wrong. I was proven right. I don't know now. My decisions are wavering and I have yet to decide what to do. I don't get it. It just gets so confusing. Should I? Should I not? Which one is better? It scares me and then it confuses me for all day I couldnt stop thinking about it. I seriously couldnt. and this scares me and troubles me. alot. because, why why why? it's not right. not right at all. then why? Sometimes, life just throws challenges at your way, and alot of them, you're... well... I'm not ready to handle. Not just yet. AND when I thought I had it all figured out. THIS happens. dammit. Now... I'm just plain lost. I walk around school in a daze I don't know where I'm going most of the time anyway. Im trying to hard to get my life back on track because I didn't want to make the same mistakes I did last year. I wanted to work hard. Do everything right. This time, there's no mistakes. I can't afford any. But its just so hard. so so so so hard... sigh. I have dance this thursday. I cant wait. =] I miss dance. Even though, for some unknown reason, my muscles hurt. and their very weak too. walking up 5 floors today, I could tell that my legs were like jelly. It's not usually that way. its very strange. Maybe i did something during dance...? anyway. i do miss dance. and I can't wait till friday, altho I've yet to find a dress. =[ friday dammit friday! its so close yet so far. I'm ready to start dancing my cute little butt off. =P oh wow. i just complimented myself. I think I've been hanging round dance people too much. HAHAHA. =P =P my dance friends aint very modest. =D although! funny quote of the day... "why are you moaning?" OMG. hahahahha. okay, well. I was sleepy. and i talk like that when I'm sleepy. I just didn't know I sounded like I was moaning. *shiver* hahahaha I should jsut wait till im awake before someone calls me. =P or... maybe not. hahahah. right. gtg work time. HISTORY. =D love y'all. <3Fy , 6:01 PM
Music Takes Control
It is you (I have loved) - Dana Glover it's a damn awesome song. its so sweet and it gives this real magical feeling inside. and it really suits waltz too! =D Shadowland - Lion King HAHA. i really like it. I don't know why. but i do. its a nice song. =D Shake It - Metro Station you know why I love it. cuz you like it too. =P shake shake shake shake it All Around Me - Flyleaf Come on. It's says desire loud and clear. Unbreakable - Fireflight LOVE it. I dont know why. I just like the way the melody goes. =D <3FY random. I know. , 4:05 PM
All I Need Is The Air I Breathe Saturday, September 6, 2008, 11:28 PM
English Classwork
The rain pitter-pattered against the window pane, like a constant beat of the drum. I lay my forehead upon the cool glass, letting out a shivery sigh. My breath hitches and it fogs up the window. My vision blurs as I try to fight back the tears. In the distance, I see the small red truck rode off, out of sight. I closed my eyes and tears ran down my flushed cheeks. He was gone. my english classwork. well... part of it anyway. was not bothered to write the whole thing. i likes it tho. first day and we already wrote a narrative/descriptive essay. it was fun. =] anyway, just felt like being random. =D <3 fee Friday, September 5, 2008, 10:12 PM
Choices
so im asking. novia's or melissa's? i want to go to both so badly. nov's cuz i just know its gonna be one hell of a night of extreme partying. mel's cuz i miss them all so much and I have not seen them in so long. I wish i could just go to both. sigh. choices choices choices. my mom probably wont allow me to go to nov's anyway. *rolls eyes* but maybe ill try to ask again. hmm. i better make up my mind soon. siiigh. so. naughty or nice? , 8:34 PM
Rants
I am just gonna rant. so forgive whatever I say whether it makes sense or not. im actually listening to shrek right now. its actually a pretty damn nice song. i like it anyway. oh man oh man. my inspiration has run dry. okay now its getting back up. its wet its wet! =P okay, did not sound right but watever... ------ sometimes you sit infront of the mirror you stare at your reflection and you're wondering. who is that? that girl staring back at you? you touch your cheek and you see the girl doing the same. who is she? this stalker. this imposter. you stare into her eyes. and you can't find a trace you cant find a trace of yourself within them. are you lost? feeling lost. feeling oh so lost. its just so easy so simple. sometimes, its just strange. why do we feel the way we do? why do i walk around the place, feeling as light as wind, yet as though nothign else matters? we continue on with our lives. in our daily routine. going through door to door. you wake up shower brush your teeth. wear your contacts change your clothes. comb your hair eat your breakfast. leave to school go to your subjects. study. come back home. take a break. and study somemore. have a chat with your friends and then go to sleep. wats the point? dont you ever feel as though life has lost its meaning? as though day by day, you feel yourself slowly seeping away. into this boring old world of lifeless eyes and frozen smiles. you turn to the person next to you. and in your shock. you see yourself staring back. into those brown black eyes you look. but, the person. the soul is gone. it has disappeared as you try and try to find it. its just gone. what part do we play? what is our role? we go through our lives. following rules. doing chores. and where do we end up? whatever happened to breaking out and living your life? whatever happened to taking risks and pouring your heart out? whatever happened to the thoughts that each individuals think? whatever happened to INDIVIDUALS?? why have we suddenly turned into mindless robots? Economics class today. ethics or our economy? we had to choose. I look down at my choices. they seem so simple. yet, how come so hard? not just classwork obviously. but our lives in general. there are things we WANT to do. and the things we HAVE to do. but its just so hard to differentiate between the two. just so hard. how come we cant HAVE to do what we WANT to do. do we follow our hearts? or our mind? dance dance dance. im in love with dance. but then. my parents are sure not. they dont understand my passion or my love for it. they scoff i know they do. and it just seriously pisses me off. whats so wrong about dancing? whats so wrong about pursuing something i love? "your brain is more important than anything else" my brain my ass. you're never happy with what I have. No matter how hard I try. you're all so hard to please. my friends are not good enough. my studies are not good enough. my brains are not good enough. my activities are not good enough. another thing. input output my ass once again. do you even know what you are saying? do you even know how annoying you get when you just keep going on and on and on and on and ON about my feriggin weight? AS IF i dont get enough. AS IF i'm happy about that. AS IF I wanna be this thin AS IF. sometimes life can get a little annoying. tumbling turning rushing pushing pulling. why do we fall for the people we fall for? okay, I know its a drastic change of topic but im pouring. and im just pouring. I saw him today. and I wonder. WHAT did i ever see in him? arrogant bastard. i don't know what was up with me then. maybe its just his stormy dark eyes. his damn nice body. but he opens his mouth and that just flies out the window. its strange really, sometimes i see their eyes on me. and I wonder what are they looking at. I stare into the mirror trying to find a hint of that 'uniqueness' that I apparently have. and I dont find it I dont see it because underneath this all I'm just like everybody else. was listening to my world by avril and i realise, its too cheery for my mood right now. anyway. i dont see it at all. im scared. i shiver. i feel pain. i cry often. im weak. i have no stamina. i struggle. im not smart. im not pretty. im too thin. im too tall. i have bad hair. i have strange habits. i rant. i hurt. then again. who cares? who does ever care? you tell yourself. i DONT give a shit about what other people think of me. about what other people see in me. but then. you do no matter how hard you try to tell yourself you always do. you check in the mirror. to see if your mask is cracking. you check in the mirror. to see if your true face is showing. because, you're afraid afraid of what they would say. afraid of what they would think afraid of what they would DO. you lie. you know you do. you lie about yourself. trying to impress. trying to pretend to be different. but you aren't because you're just like every other person out there. the same. you see. this is what i do. if you give me the time and space. i would just go on and on and on and on. i do that. hahaha. and I dont even know why. another change of topic. you. this one is about you. its kind of funny really, the way we do the things we do. but what do we have? what do we have between us? what is this? i find it strange, for i've never been through this before. really, really strange. maybe... maybe one day you could explain it to me. y'know? so I dont have to be so confused anymore. dreams. i dream a dream. i dream a dream of a dream within a dream. HAHA. its kinda funny when you say it that way. =P you know how we should change the world? maybe we should destroy mirrors. imagine THAT happening. half my friends would kill themselves for sure. LOL. sometimes. im just not bothered to care really. i do. i actually do. especially if im meeting THEM. but then again. vanity. its such a strange word aint it? blogging blog blogger. why do we blog? whats actually the point of blogging? its not like it does any help really, maybe other than ranting. ranting helps. it helps a crapload. hahaha. and also, im running outta fuel. not to mention my inspiration has run dry. again. used up all my water. hahahaha maybe, after I shower, it'll come back. i'll see you. xx <3me. , 8:25 PM
God I Want To Dream Again - Fireflight
Where are the people that accused me? The ones who beat me down and bruised me They hide just out of sight Can't face me in the light They'll return but I'll be stronger God, I want to dream again Take me where I've never been I want to go there This time I'm not scared Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable No one can touch me Nothing can stop me Sometimes it's hard to just keep going But faith is moving without knowing Can I trust what I can't see To reach my destiny I want to take control but I know better Forget the fear it's just a crutch That tries to hold you back And turn your dreams to dust All you need to do is just trust , 4:55 PM
I think it's about time, someone did for you. wat you have always done for them. you've been there for me. you UNDERSTAND me. even in my worst times. so here's it. EVERYONE is afraid of what they do not know. but you shouldn't be. because forever you would have us. you think about the future and what it holds for you but truly, it isn't anything. there's no point being afraid. because being afraid stops you from. living. stops you from. being you. I know you. you're always the one who isnt afraid of taking risks. isn't afraid of what other people say. and dear god do i feriggin admire you for that. there's no point being scared that you're happy. just enjoy it. have this moment and then. REMEMBER it. when you're down. REMEMBER the great times you had. and then REMEMBER that you could always have that happiness back. life is a rollercoaster. theres ups and downs. some more crazy than others. there's not point being afraid of the future because all you know is the past and you should just live in the present. for that is what you are. Just live you're life. and there's no point being afraid. and of course remember. i love you. =] LOVE YOU Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 9:06 PM
Second Day of School
was a little disappointing. I've been reading a couple of other blogs earlier. I realised that alot of them updated about the first day of school. so I thought. maybe I should try to be a little different. and do it about the second day. =P I wore nicole's skirt to school. it's a little bit big but still fits be alright. I am still waiting for my actual skirt tho. Which'll take a while. Anyway, who actually gives about my school day? let's talk about my emotions. hmm. I'm tumbling. I'm turning. and I don't know where I'm going. It's crazy sometimes. Feeling the way I do. But it just happens. Things. are not what I expected. Things. are not what I need it to be. Things. especially certain things. just hurt. I don't really know where I'm heading with this. This year at least. I thought it'll turn out okay. Turn out better. but then it all just seems a little strange. just when I thought. Hell yeah. This is it. it just comes back crashing doesn't it? It always does. She. is no longer who I thought she was. They. are no longer who they were. We. are no longer as what we were. He. is no longer what I thought could be. He was right. Life was strange. full of plays. pauses. stops. and forwards. and yet, there could never possibly be a rewind. Upon where am I suppose to stand? What am I suppose to do? Where am I suppose to go? How am I suppose to do this? sometimes. when you turn up and they are no longer there you miss them. just by a fraction of a second. but a second too late it was. for they are no longer there. you sit there wondering. what are you suppose to do now? all your life you've never been alone. but what about. now? what about. then? what about. next time? we're all feeling alone. so why dont be all just be together? to no longer be alone? I dont get it. who ever wants to be. alone? <3Fy just when you think life was giving you something. It just grabs something back. and this time. its. my heart. Tuesday, September 2, 2008, 5:32 PM
what a joke. LOL i still gotta wrap up all my books. AND i have socio hw to do. you know bout me looking forward to socio? i have a feeling im gonna get the most work from that subj. darrnit. <3 Fy working time. =] |
whenthelightsgoout
Said I hate you. But I lied.who thought she could own the world who knew love could taste... just so damn sweet too bad it kills you in the end. |
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